Woke censors are ruining books. Michael Deacon.
Novelists used to have sleepless nights about their latest book would be received by the critics. No longer. Nowadays, they’re far more worried about how it will be received by the “sensitivity readers”.
These are the woke busybodies employed by modern publishers to ensure that absolutely no one anywhere on Earth could possibly take offence at a single syllable of any book. Their latest victim is Anthony Horowitz. In the current edition of The Spectator he reveals that, for the US release of his most recent novel, he was told by the sensitivity readers to replace the word “scalpel” with the term “surgical instrument”. Apparently this was to avoid causing offence to Native Americans, on the grounds that “scalpel” sounds a bit like “scalping” – which is what “Red Indians” used to do to their enemies. Why anyone would make such a bizarre connection, let alone be offended by it, I don’t know, but clearly the publishers felt it best to be on the safe side.
Just imagine if the great authors of the past had been bedevilled by sensitivity readers. They’d never have got a word into print.
“Ah, Mr Virgil, do sit down. Thank you for submitting the latest draft of your Aeneid. I’m afraid, however, that our sensitivity readers have flagged a number of concerns.
“First, your depiction of Polyphemus the cyclops is appallingly ableist. Just because he has only one eye, that does not mean it’s acceptable to call him ‘deformed’ or a ‘monster’.
“Second, the Greek underworld community is bound to be upset by your hurtful reference to ‘gorgons and harpies of foul wing’. For one thing, ‘harpy’ is a word with deeply misogynistic overtones.
“And third, you’re likely to cause great offence in Asia Minor. You suggest that Trojan people are so unbelievably stupid that, upon discovering a vast wooden horse unexpectedly deposited outside their city gates, they would presume it to be some kind of surprise gift from an anonymous well-wisher, and wheel it inside the city without undertaking the most cursory of security checks.
“As well as highly far-fetched, this storyline is profoundly insulting. It could easily cause a diplomatic incident. Or at least, it could, if Troy hadn’t fallen around 1,100 years ago.”
The tooth will out
Mick Lynch and his fellow trade union leaders constantly accuse the Government of underpaying public sector workers. Yet they remain mysteriously silent on the most tight-fisted employers of all.
Tooth fairies.
According to a shocking report this week in The Sun, tooth fairies are now paying British children an astonishing 10 per cent less for their teeth than they were just five years ago. In 2018, the standard rate per tooth was £2.10. These days, it’s a mere £1.90.
This is a scandal. Our children, quite clearly, are being ripped off by these selfish, exploitative, profiteering tooth fairies. Yet the union barons say nothing.
Well, if Mr Lynch and his cronies won’t defend our children, I will. I’m calling on all infants aged between five and 12 years old to take immediate strike action, by withholding their baby teeth until the tooth fairies are willing to get round the table and offer them an inflation-matching pay deal.
This isn’t just about fairness. The tooth fairies of this country need to realise that these cuts are self-defeating. The more money our children receive for their teeth, the more sweets they can afford to buy. And the more sweets they eat, the quicker their teeth will fall out. Slashing the average fee per tooth, therefore, represents a lamentably short-termist approach to business.
If this lack of investment leads to lower profits, our greedy tooth fairies will have only themselves to blame. DT.
