Dear Bel,
More than 18 years ago, I did something that remains one of the biggest regrets of my life.
I’m still struggling to come to terms with events that unfolded one night in Holland — which I consider to be appalling, careless, irresponsible and immoral. It ruined an otherwise enjoyable time at university.
It was a field trip. I was 21, single, exhausted (having barely slept for two days on the coach journey from the UK) and under the influence of several drinks.
At the suggestion of friends, we ventured into the city’s red light district. In no way (on my part at least) was it pre-meditated, but I’m sure you can imagine what happened next, and while protection was used, it still seems a moment of reckless madness — especially as it was my first time.
Visiting a prostitute was not the sort of thing I’d ever thought of and while I was not the only one to act in such a way that night, the toxic shame / trauma / humiliation is proving impossible to erase.
The circumstances of the woman could have been highly questionable (although she was Dutch, older than me and working in a ‘club’ rather than a window) and this compounds the angst.
I am disgusted with myself for both the action itself and my lack of strength of character. I try to push the episode to the back of my mind (not successfully), but worry how to tackle it for future relationships.
I’ve never been able to confide in anybody because my parents would be mortified and my only sibling passed away when I was a teenager. This means I feel isolated, lonely and depressed and it’s becoming more and more corrosive.
I just don’t want it to continue affecting my life. I would love to fall in love, settle down, start a family, but am terrified of the reaction if I were to tell a partner. If this proved to be a major reason for any subsequent separation, it would compound the guilt, shame and regret.
I’ve also become distant from friends (particularly those from university), as I’m scared of them telling others of what happened. To be honest, I’m jealous of their happy family lives with children — which I dream of having, while fearing what sort of role model I’d be for a young boy or girl.
Deep down, I believe I’m not a bad person and that what happened does not reflect my approach to, or view of, women, but it has hugely eroded my self-esteem and I fear that it will continue to haunt me.
Robert
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-5025999/I-feel-shame-visiting-prostitute.html#ixzz4wmSqmTQX
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The 'there, there' response from Bel Mooney (see url) will not have helped this man in any way.
He has sinned and deep within himself - he knows this, hence the fact that he is beating himself up so terribly. But a secular response cannot possibly deal with this depth of heartache. It offers him nothing to root out the problem.
I have had enough sins in my life to understand the conscience element here.
The real difference is that I have a Saviour who has paid a terribly high price for me. I can simply go to the foot of His cross and dump my burdens and rubbish and sins at his feet.
This is one reason why Holy Communion is so very important.
One way I have of looking at it is to take the bread and accept that it was my many sins which were responsible for nailing Our Lord to that cross. His body broken for me.
My guilt is all admitted and I feel lousy for a moment or so BUT - as I take the wine - I KNOW that I have been washed clean by the blood of my God.
This is freedom indeed.
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