No, you aren't hallucinating - in a warm-up
for April's Chessboxing match, our MEP's red-faced opponent was Tim Farron, the
leader of the LibDems!
To be fair, Remoaner-in-Chief Farron doesn't claim
to be good at chess, which is principally a test of planning, strategy and
foresight. Farron, a brainy chap who would keep us in the EU (and, worse, put us
in the Eurozone furnace) right until the whole rotten structure collapses,
demonstrates his skills in those spheres.
As long as you know the basic
rules of chess, as 71.3% of adults in the UK do (of course, in the best
traditions of the LibDems, I simply made up those statistics), you'll be able to
follow the not-quite-equal struggle. Jonathan Arnott (
UKIP) is playing white, and Tim
Farron (LibDems) has the black pieces. Mayhem ensues:
Jonathan's first move, as you can see above, is
1. e2-e4 (in chess notation, the square on the bottom left of
the board is a1, the one to its right is b1, the one above it is a2 and so on -
the square at the top right is h8). "Best on test", it's a very sound move as it
occupies the centre, gains space, cramps black and activates the white Queen and
Bishop. Other favourite start moves include 1. c2-c4, 1. Ng1-f3 and my own 1. d2-d4.
Farron's reply,
1...b7-b5?, has me baffled. The opening is listed in the
textbooks as, believe it or not, the
Polish Gambit. Now, gambits are supposed to involve sacrificing
material in exchange for something, usually tempo - but Farron's choice
dispenses with the latter. It loses a pawn for.... absolutely nothing! Far
better were 1...e7-e5, 1...c7-c5 and 1...e7-e6. Would it be unkind to joke that
Farron chose this nonsensical move for the same reason he backs us remaining
trapped in the EU, where we pay for the privilege of getting nowt back?
Maybe.
Jonathan plays
2. Bf1xb5, capturing the errant pawn. Essentially, white has
won the game; the rest is mere tidying-up. I would have chosen 2. d2-d4 instead,
with a view to developing while black wastes time defending his feckless pawn.
But then Jonathan isn't cruel. A surgical exercise - no piano wire.
The LibDem response,
2...a7-a6, isn't the worst - but 2...c7-c6 would have been more
logical, as besides challenging white's Bishop, it liberates the black
Queen.
It would be unfair to
say that 3. Bb5-a4 was better (keeping, as it would, the black pawn on d7 pinned
to his king, and leaving the c4 square vacant for a later advance of the pawn on
c2), since Jonathan had by then a pretty good clue that the LibDem leader was no
better at chess than at dealing with the EU. The move Jonathan chose (
3.
Bb5-c4) aims at the f7 square, with a view to a rapid finish.
Tim played
3...Nb8-c6, which isn't all bad but blocks the long diagonal,
the best home for black's light-squared Bishop, so denying himself counterplay.
Either 3...Bc8-b7 or 3...e7-e6 (freeing black's Queen and other Bishop) might
have prolonged the battle. But the fat lady started singing after black's first
move.
4. d2-d4 was most
solid, but Jonathan wants a quick K.O.
4.
Ng1-f3 brings out horsey; that it also allows white to castle probably
didn't figure too highly in our MEP's calculations. This game simply won't last
that long for it to matter!
Oh, dear. Far from
sensing danger, and defending with 4...e7-e6, or chasing away the menacing white
Bishop with 4...Nc6-a5, the LibDem gallops into the attack with
4...Nc6-b4?. While I'm not bright enough to figure out what he
was thinking, it's possible he hoped white would blunder by moving his Queen and
so permit ...Nb4-c2 check, winning at least a Rook for a Knight. The probability
that Jonathan could fall for that must be somewhere between nought and
zero.
Though there are
probably a dozen more efficient moves for white (notably 5. d2-d4, with a
crushing attack), I too would have played
5. Nf3-e5. Why? On the evidence, there is a pragmatic
chance that Farron will miss the point...
... and Farron duly
obliges.
5...Ra8-a7 is one of those
"Whaaat? You cannot be
serious" moves, like Gordon Brown getting us (via his fall guy, David
Miliband) to sign the wretched Lisbon Treaty. The LibDem should have played
5...e7-e6 instead, parrying Jonathan's threat and soon causing white to lose
time.
6. Bc4xf7
Mate. This smothered checkmate (black's King cannot capture the Bishop
as it would be checked by the Knight; there is No Hiding Place) puts the LibDem
out of his misery. Well, Farron was a good sport to have taken
part.
Click on the chess diagram above to find out how much better our MP
Douglas Carswell did than the LibDem leader while analysing the budget statement
outside Parliament this afternoon. Tim Farron, humbled by Arnott yesterday,
bested by Carswell today - and, later the same afternoon, by our own Herbie
Crossman! Herbie, whose campaign in Roxbourne ward, Harrow, reaches its climax
tomorrow, equipped with his large roll-up posters, buttonholed Farron in
Parliament Square. Herbie tells me that they exchanged words, and the LibDem
leader seemed to believe that EU Commissioners were elected representatives! BBC
cameras were running, but I suspect the revealing footage will find its way to
the cutting-room floor. Nothing is allowed to disrupt the pro-EU narrative of
the taxpayer-funded
Brussels
Broadcasting
Corporation. Yes, Jim'll fix it...
Think I counted wrong?
Do click on the logo above, and you'll be reminded why it is 4-0, and not merely
3-0, in our favour. It's
That
Man again.
UKIP
rules!
Poor old Tim.
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